On a Day of Firsts... There's Always One.

As my mother always used to say, "There's always one."

What she meant was that if there was something stupid that could be done, someone (usually me) would be there to do it.

And thank god for that I say. Where would the human race be without all of those 'one's who have pushed the boundaries, climbed the mountains, done what everyone else thought was foolhardy, even when it turned out that they were right.

History has been full of firsts and being first to do something is not always wise. But that's the point isn't it: someone always has to go first or we'll never get anywhere.

Life on this planet began in the oceans as single celled organisms which mutated and evolved into larger and ever more complex creatures. At some point a species born of the oceans grew something more akin to legs than flippers. Presumably it got sick of all of the other kids making fun of it's bizarre appendages and either decided to run away or to end it all and wound up on a beach somewhere. Hell, maybe it was just an accident and it was washed up by the tides. Either way, those legs proved useful and it found that it could walk, or at least flop around, with some kind of purpose. It probably found that out of the water there were no predators. Undoubtedly there was a new food source that the rest of the cruel taunters in its school couldn't get to. 

As has been the story throughout the ages, the kid who was a bit different and got picked on in school most likely matured, found a hot mate with a fledgling set of pins all of her own, made some little legged freaks, moved out of the neighbourhood and on to bigger and better things.

And that's all well and good and that's how it should be. But how about all those who buggered up before this happened? Presumably our little legged friend wasn't the first to take a jaunt on an exotic shore. There must have been hundreds, thousands, perhaps even millions who washed up or flopped up before him only to find that they didn't have what it takes to survive and ultimately ended up gasping their last breath amidst so much useless oxygen.

To go back even further, consider the universe. Any astronomer or astrophysicist will tell you that it's bloody hard to make a universe. There is so much that needs to be spot on in order to get that initial bang right. If gravity had been a little stronger or weaker it could have all gone pear shaped... and that's just one small factor in a very difficult equation. Edward P. Tryon once said: 'In answer to your question of how it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time.'

To this adds fellow astronomer Alan Guth: "Although the creation of a universe might be very unlikely, Tryon emphasized that no one had counted the failed attempts."

So, much like those millions of ex fish gone to meet their maker, there may also have been an infinite number of parallel universes that went kerflooey before they even began. That's not to say of course that our own universe didn't have a couple cracks at it before finally getting it right. For all we know, there may be a universe out there right now, it's hands balled into fists and its eyes scrunched up tight saying I think I can, I think I can before unceremoniously winking out into nothingness with barely a whimper. 

But back to Earth. 

The firsts that have been so important to mankind down through the ages needn't have been on such a grand scale. Sure we've had the first man to propose that the Earth revolves around the sun and not the other way around, the first to 'discover' gravity, the first to create a working steam engine, the first to fly.

My personal favourite first was the Gutenburg Bible, the first book to be printed using Johannes Gutenburg's movable type system. Okay, so I'll concede that it wasn't actually the first book that he printed but come on, who in their right mind would start with the bible. Surely the Cat in the Hat would make a much more sensible trial run. My point is that Gutenberg's system was the first, it began the age of the printed book, took printed language out of the hands of monks and nobles and gave it to the peasants. They learned to read, women obtained an education which elevated their status... well I could bang on forever but I think you get the point.

But how about the first to figure out that the red berries were poisonous? Sure, he may not have lived, but think about how the rest of us have benefitted.

And what about the person who figured out that smashing two rocks together or rubbing two sticks vigorously could make fire? The control and creation of fire was a massive leap forward for primitive man. Thank heavens the one to figure this out hadn't earlier been the first to try the red berries.

Sure, someone figured out how to make a spearhead, a bow, how to curve a piece of wood so you could throw it and it'd come back. Someone invented gunpowder, figured out how to split the atom (although probably shouldn't have). Someone invented the internal combustion engine and someone else figured out that oil could be used to run it. From there a whole lot of someones figured out that the black goop could also be used to make pantyhose, telephones, chip packets and more.

But what about the guy who first looked at the spidery, alien form of a lobster and thought, I bet that'd taste alright. And kudos to his wife, the first one to think that it'd probably taste better cooked, and maybe with a little garlic butter.

And spare a thought for the adventurous soul who first tried to dine out on puffer fish. Well you live and learn... or not.

The list is all but endless, from the useful to the useless to the merely entertaining. The first to figure out how to ride a horse, the first to get tired of chafing and sore testicles and invent the saddle. The first to invent the toilet; the first to invent air freshener. 

And who were the geniuses to figure out that with some animal intestine and a little know how, you could create sausage skins, guitar strings and a slightly disgusting but very effective contraceptive.

And in the name of all that is holy, who was the first to figure out that it felt good to shove a gerbil up your bottom???

So, on this day, the first to see an black man (or African American, or Hawaiian for that matter) elected to the highest office in the United States, I applaud all of these firsts. 

Whether they have come about due to inspiration, perspiration, divine intervention, dumb luck or too much spare time. Whether they have been useful, useless, entertaining or just plain disgusting. To those few who boldly went where no man or woman had been before (or should have been... I mean a gerbil... seriously!), I salute you.